wake up call

Even though it isn't February yet I am feeling kind of like the ground hog popping his head out of the hole to take a look around and see what's coming. I have been spending a lot of the time in the hole, its a usual thing come winter and darkness and inevitably it always just sneaks up on me. I am going along as usual and think to myself, wow this hasn't been so bad, I am making it through winter pretty well and then BAM.. wake up call.. I take a look around and what do I discover? I am in a funk, I am uninspired, I am lethargic, I am lonely and haven't seen (and barely talked to) any of my friends in TOO DANG LONG and I AM DEPRESSED! I should know better by now, but I never seem to manage it right. I never manage to plan ahead and up the dose of meds or get the UV light thingie out or force myself to DO SOMETHING until I am bam in the middle of the SAD.

So, at least I finally realized that no one is going to help me but myself. I got back on the horse ( literally and figuratively), I a riding again, I am trying to reach out to friends, I am making myself create (I am considering applying for the QKD design team) and I am going to bring back my Greeting Card Swap.

If you are interested, please check back. I will work out the details and post them here soon!!

Broken, but empowered

As some of you may have guessed by my irregular posting, I have been dealing with a little bit of SAD but I saw my doctor, and we tweaked my meds and I am back on the horse. Part of the thing that has me feeling better, I think is the constant source of projects going on in my life right now.

Some of our BFFs are planning on relocating to MN which has us majorly bummed but since Greg is originally from MN we figure we will have the opportunity to visit with fair regularity. They have decided to sell their house so we have been helping primp it up to place on the market. What had started out as simple painting on my part has blossomed into all kinds of projects from basic carpentry t basic electrical. I am feeling empowered and less afraid of power tools.

I think these newly acquired skills and the new confidence will serve me well when we go back to working on our house and garage/ studio project which is slated to start after we finish here We have traded sweat for sweat in hopes of gaining equity all around.

I am longing for some studio time. I haven't even glanced at my journal, paper stash or sewing machine in over a month. My creativity has had to be expressed in the form of spackle and house paint :) Which is kind of fun but quickly losing its appeal.

I feel weird not posting a picture here but I am supervising the tile crew at our friends while everyone is off at the storage unit and the umpeenth visit to Home depot.. I hope to have some artsy things to share soon/ What are you working on??

balancing

Autumn is quite the conundrum for me. On one hand, I love the changing weather, the light, the smells and the crisp evenings and mornings. I want to cozy up the house and buy pumpkins and gather fall leaves, light candles and make cocoa and gingerbread. On the flip side, no matter how well things are going or how "good" I am feeling, I never seem to be able to escape the blues when SAD starts to rear its ugly head. As the days get shorter and colder and we are forced inside more I feel SAD trying to grab hold of me and drag me down. Right now is a balancing act. I have a long "to do" list but I find myself struggling to keep up and focus. It happens every year but always seems like such a surprise... right now I am working on juggling my work and crossing things off the Must Do list while balancing with the Want To Do list.. like this cute purse pattern from Melly & Me.

back to biz...

I'm back from my little trip up north. Looking toward a couple of busy weeks with the upcoming Gilroy Garlic Festival where I will work in my family's booth. I had a nice visit with my friend Linda and played with her doggie, Angie, who I LOVE more than any doggie I know. Han was very good and enjoyed being spoiled and swimming and playing with said doggie.

I retrieved my emails while I was up there and learned that the LolliShops blog is UP!! One small step in the big adventure that is soon to be LolliShops. I am having so much fun working on all the sweet goodness that is going on there. Also, Sadie told me that I am to be the "official designer of LolliShops" with my own shop to offer yummy blog make overs and business cards and stickers, etc. Pretty exciting stuff.

I am so pleased that I have managed to get nearly completely caught up in my work queue. I really want/need some time to focus on some business related stuff for myself and for MrDoodle. We want to move and revamp our site and start all fresh and organized in September. Well, that's my goal. Brian may be shaking his head at that kind of deadline but a girl can be hopeful.

Overall, I have been feeling pretty well. I think that my new medication has been helping and I feel more focused and productive which is quite refreshing. I was in a terrible rut there for awhile which caused me to get behind on everything so I feel pretty dang proud of myself for catching that I was getting into that slump and doing something about it. I hope that it continues and I can get into a good, healthy routine. Oh, speaking of healthy. My girlfriend called me to today to tell me that our swimming class was canceled tonight because someone broke in and dumped motor oil in the pool!! How crappy is that?! I am so mad, I can't believe it. Now tons of kids (and I) can't swim or have lessons until they can get everything all cleaned up. Grrrr.

Ok, I'm off. I feel rambling coming on...

feeling like the worst parent (santa) on the planet...

Today was my big shopping day with Shosh. I have been really good about sticking to my Buy Handmade pledge; shopping Etsy and other blog friends and also making gifts BUT there were just a few things I needed to buy from the big stores. So today I set out to search for the SINGLE thing the little has been asking for consistently for months... this thingie by Conair that lets you apply temporary color streaks to your hair. What do I find? Its sold out.. EVERYWHERE.. even on Conair's site. My only options are to A. spend a ton to get one off eBay and HOPE it makes it buy Xmas or B. try to explain why "Santa" didn't deliver. I had no idea this would be so popular or hard to find or I would have ordered one ages ago. I feel like a heel to go on top of the cruddy self I have been feeling like in general. To add insult to injury, the doll house I WANTED to get her seems to be out of stock all over too. I haven't completely given up hope on that though because there are other options and I still have a couple Target's I can try or brave a Toys R Us. (argh) Anyway, I will persevere on the gift front.

On a side note, I have not been posting my 12 days gifts here but over at the 12-Days blog. I will do another update tomorrow.

UPDATE: Grampa saves the day! He managed to find the doll house at a Target by his house and it is in his car as we speak! I am fearing not much luck for the other gizmo but she will have gift cards to use after Xmas so hat might have to wait. Hopefully her new goodies from Build A Bear will distract her.

thank you

Hey readers and friends,
First of all THANK YOU! Thank you for letting me vent and for your awesome support and sweet emails. I am sure that I may have alarmed some of my closest friends and to those of you, please know that I am OK... I am not having thoughts of suicide and I am actually not in an extreme low right now. There was an incident on Saturday that precipitated my anger and I figured I'd try a different avenue for expressing how I was feeling. If nothing else, I have learned that there is a great network of people do "get it" in blog land and for that I am thankful. I feel pretty safe here.

So many of you have written things that really hit home. It is good to know that many suffer from the same torment that I do but on the flip side it is sad. Folks have recommended therapy and encouraged me to stay on my meds. Thank you for your advice and concern. I have been dealing with depression since my early 20's and have been on more meds than I care to count. I had a difficult pregnancy dealing with the depression and refused to take even drugs that were considered "safe" for fear of what might affect my daughter. Shortly after delivery I was in utter despair and had to be treated for post-partum depression. I have been medicated ever since and have undergone some extensive therapy for over a year. I am glad that I can recognize when I am slipping into a low point and can take action to prevent that. I once lamented to my therapist that I had difficulty thinking that I'd have to spend the rest of my life never feeling "good". For the most part, I guess I feel the closest to "good" as I have in a loooong time but unfortunately my "good" also includes episodes like Saturday's. It is a comfort to me to know that I have a place where I can come and vent, express myself through writing and a little digital art, without being judged.

Thank You

tortured artist

I mentioned that I have been battling with my work load to avoid that paralyzation that can come with too much work/ stress. Last night was relieved to have caught up a bit and also to know that I am not alone. I brief exchange of emails with Cerri of LittlePinkStudio confirmed that. Now I am wondering if all artist types are secretly tortured even though their artwork may not show it.

Of course there is a stereotype of the misunderstood artist who chronically smokes cigarettes and wears black and laments the fact that people "just don't get it." Sometimes I feel like people don't get my art and that is why I am so thankful of my internet artist friends who really DO get it. And nothing beats heading off to a workshop or retreat filled with other creative people who understand whats going on.

But I guess what I am referring to is more that I feel tortured in my head. Always. Compared to so many, my life is good. I am fortunate. I have a wonderful husband who supports my art and our family so I can be at home with our beautiful gift of a daughter. We own a home, have family and friends close and can make the mortgage pretty much ;) but I constantly feel like something is not quite right. I don't yearn for a huge house full of the best furniture and electronics with a maid and a gardener, I know this.. I guess I yearn to know WHAT I want.

I yearn to have a healthy mind and to understand why I think what I think. Sometimes I wake up and feel overwhelming despair, I just want to cry.. no reason, its just how I feel. Sure there are days that I am fine but there are also days that I feel so angry (like this morning) that I can barely contain the urge to break something or hurt myself. In the past I have thought that suicide was the way to go but thankfully those feelings have been kept at bay for a several years now thanks to understanding doctors and the wonder of pharmaceuticals. This brings me back to that yearning.. to be normal, or what I perceive is normal.. which I guess brings me to the point of this post.. IS there such a thing as normal? Or is that just in my imagination and is my world REALLY filled with other people who struggle internally too?

“It is only too true that a lot of artists are mentally ill- it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider. I'm all right when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy.”... Vincent Van Gogh

I suck...

Ok, I suck. I am sorry, my blogging has been erratic at best lately. I am OK... the depression/ SAD has not caused me to go off and do anything rash.
Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to write me off list and share your stories and offer words of encouragement and support. Sometimes when you are feeling at your lowest it helps to have folks, even strangers, offer small bits of light. Its these little flickers that can lead you out of the cave.
I have been told, often, by my counselor, that the years when our children are young are amongst the most challenging in a woman's (couple's) life. Even though they truly are the wonder years, and I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be home and experience each day, it HAS been a difficult change in my life. Moms have to undergo a transformation of self and rediscovery of the new person they are in the role of mommy.
I try to be the best mommy I can but it has been a struggle to give up who I was before, the freedoms I had and make that transformation. I feel so guilty, so often about my struggle, my feelings and for being depressed when I have so much going for me and I am so lucky. Rationally, I KNOW these things... I have a home, a supportive husband who has a thriving business which enables me to be home full time with our beautiful, funny and bright daughter. I have family and friends and we are healthy (mostly, lol). But the thing about depression is that it is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain that ignores the heart and the logical part of the mind. These are the things I must remember and I am going to try to adopt a page from my friend Kim's book in saying my word for this week.. or month... maybe the year is ACCEPTANCE!!

Anyway, that was a long digression from what I meant to post. I have taken pictures of various things but have not loaded them from my camera. I have downloaded content for both upcoming issues of Portals but have not done a single layout. I have addressed address labels but not mailed anything the last couple of days. I SUCK! LOL I am just filling everyone in on the fact that I am working on it, I will follow through ( I always do) and I am just running behind. Especially on Portals.. (does anyone want a job doing digital layouts.. the pay sucks but its fun! LOL ) and getting ready for ArtFest. Why do I think I can do all this stuff???!! Sheesh...
I'll do the best I can and I can ACCEPT that.

Oh, one final thing. My friend Lisa ( Ocean Dreamer) is starting a wonderful new giveaway project inspired by Sandy/ ArtTeaLife's heARTs giveaway. I am participating and I hope you will too. Check the detail here!

going, gone...

Wow, I no sooner listed some new items in my Etsy shop than several were snapped up. What a nice feeling to know that someone likes my work enough to plop down some cash for them.

I have been undergoing some serious lack of confidence this past week. Logically, I can see that this stems from various things in my personal life. I am burnt out and discouraged. There are bright points and I think those things are the little things that ultimately pull me through.

Dealing with depression is a constant job. Sometimes I forget this and then suddenly I find I have slid down that slippery slope and I am well on my way toward dealing with much more than the daily maintanance of the disease. I thought that I would make it through this winter without many side effects from SAD, but I was wrong. Lately I have had the blues. I wake up and even if it is sunny out I feel like crying. My patience is at an all time low and I just feel alone. I feel like I want to scrap everything, my art, Portals, being a stay at home Mom and just go back to some mundane job where I don't have to think so hard and worry so much.

I am not really sure what my point is here. I guess just a warning that I may not be posting as much for a bit and also to thank those of you who have stayed in touch, supported me and been true friends. I think it is these things that have gotten me through the REALLY tough days and kept me walking that fine line.