I mentioned that I have been battling with my work load to avoid that paralyzation that can come with too much work/ stress. Last night was relieved to have caught up a bit and also to know that I am not alone. I brief exchange of emails with Cerri of LittlePinkStudio confirmed that. Now I am wondering if all artist types are secretly tortured even though their artwork may not show it.
Of course there is a stereotype of the misunderstood artist who chronically smokes cigarettes and wears black and laments the fact that people "just don't get it." Sometimes I feel like people don't get my art and that is why I am so thankful of my internet artist friends who really DO get it. And nothing beats heading off to a workshop or retreat filled with other creative people who understand whats going on.
But I guess what I am referring to is more that I feel tortured in my head. Always. Compared to so many, my life is good. I am fortunate. I have a wonderful husband who supports my art and our family so I can be at home with our beautiful gift of a daughter. We own a home, have family and friends close and can make the mortgage pretty much ;) but I constantly feel like something is not quite right. I don't yearn for a huge house full of the best furniture and electronics with a maid and a gardener, I know this.. I guess I yearn to know WHAT I want.
I yearn to have a healthy mind and to understand why I think what I think. Sometimes I wake up and feel overwhelming despair, I just want to cry.. no reason, its just how I feel. Sure there are days that I am fine but there are also days that I feel so angry (like this morning) that I can barely contain the urge to break something or hurt myself. In the past I have thought that suicide was the way to go but thankfully those feelings have been kept at bay for a several years now thanks to understanding doctors and the wonder of pharmaceuticals. This brings me back to that yearning.. to be normal, or what I perceive is normal.. which I guess brings me to the point of this post.. IS there such a thing as normal? Or is that just in my imagination and is my world REALLY filled with other people who struggle internally too?
“It is only too true that a lot of artists are mentally ill- it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider. I'm all right when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy.”... Vincent Van Gogh